


Not the Same

by Rahenna



Series: Ace of Hearts [36]
Category: Gakuen Heaven 2 ~Double Scramble~
Genre: Age Difference, Ballet, Demisexuality, M/M, Secret Relationship, Self-Discovery, Teacher-Student Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-02
Updated: 2016-06-14
Packaged: 2018-07-11 19:44:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7067509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rahenna/pseuds/Rahenna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A three-part story about Yuki discovering (with a little help from his friends!) that he's different from other people in ways he'd never imagined. :3</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. a night at the ballet

**Author's Note:**

> I've been to the ballet a bunch of times. I've checked out a lot of ballet dancers. But just like Yuki, I'm only in it for the aesthetics!
> 
> ~~~
> 
> Contains spoilers for Gakuen Heaven 2. If you intend to play the game yourself, reading this may ruin your fun a bit. :)
> 
> Originally posted here:  
> [Adults Always Lie](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/lies/)
> 
> If you want to know more about the Gakuen Heaven series, please visit my fansite for game translations and summaries:  
> [welcome to Heaven](http://heaven.neo-romance.net/)

**Saturday, February 17, 2018**

"Wow, I've never been this close before!" I looked up at the curtained stage only a few rows of seats away, then turned to look up toward the distant balcony. "My grandparents took me to see Cinderella when I was a kid, but our seats were way up there!"

"Settle down, Asahina," the professor murmured, but he was smiling. I couldn't stand how handsome he looked in his suit, a deep charcoal grey that was almost black under the theater lights, his lavender tie and matching handkerchief an attractive pop of color against their stark backdrops. Of course his hair was arranged perfectly too, freshly cut and styled into a slightly shorter version of his usual look. And he smelled so good, warm notes of vanilla and spice that I hadn't been able to keep myself from sniffing over and over as we got ready. I'd almost dabbed some on myself, but changed my mind at the last minute; I didn't want to get hungry from smelling something delicious for so long!

"I can't really calm down." I turned back toward the stage, practically wiggling in my seat at the shock of how close we were to the front. "This is really amazing!"

I jumped at a quiet chuckle from my left side. A lady who looked about the same age as my grandma was sitting there, her slim form wrapped in an elegant black dress and accented with pearls. "It's so nice to see a young man excited by the arts." She leaned forward a little to get a closer look at the professor. "Two young men," she amended, her smile changing subtly as she looked him up and down.

My face got hot. Was a random old lady checking out my boyfriend?!?

The professor either didn't notice or didn't care, and nodded toward the old woman with a smile. "It's important for young students to be well-rounded."

"Oh, a school trip?" The old lady craned her neck. "I don't see any other students."

The professor didn't miss a beat. "Asahina is my only student. I'm the young master's private tutor. It's my duty to ensure that his education is supplemented with a variety of cultural activities."

 _Private tutor?! Cultural activities?!_ I stared at the professor, but he ignored me.

The woman nodded, impressed. "I see, I see. That's wonderful." Her piercing gaze fixed upon my face, and I unconsciously sat up straighter. "Make sure you take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities your parents are providing for you, Asahina-san. You may not appreciate them until you're older, but do your best to learn and do as much as you can. You'll remember experiences like this fondly once you're an adult."

My cheeks were definitely red, I could feel the heat radiating from my skin. "R, right... I'll do my best to experience all sorts of things..."

"Thank you for your kind words, madam," the professor offered, his smile still warm and cordial. "Please excuse us, I'd like to talk with Asahina about the ballet's plot before the doors are closed." He gestured toward the program in his lap, and I took the opportunity to offer my own hasty thanks and turned back toward the professor.

He leaned close, lips brushing my ear. My heart pounded at the scent of spiced vanilla and the tickle of his hair against my cheek, skin tingling with anticipation of the secret he was about to whisper.

Then he murmured, "This is why I hardly ever go to the ballet. Too many meddlesome old women."

I tried not to gasp or laugh, but a snort escaped my nose, and I could feel the woman's gaze boring into the back of my head as the professor straightened up with a chuckle. "Well, Asahina, let's discuss the plot of this production, shall we?"

To be honest, I wasn't terribly interested in the ballet itself. The exciting part was going on a public date with the professor - even if we had to pretend we weren't a couple. I didn't mind. All I wanted was to spend time together in a more intimate way than our usual museum visits or weekend shopping trips. There was something inherently romantic about dressing up and going to the downtown theater to enjoy a special production. If I was lucky, maybe we could even hold hands in the darkened theater, or at least lean close to each other, shoulders brushing in the dark.

"Asahina, why are you blushing? Are you embarrassed by the story? It's just Romeo and Juliet."

"No! I just..." I leaned a little closer, hoping the old woman wasn't listening, "I'm really happy to go out like this."

His soft smile almost made my heart stop. "Yeah, this is a nice change."

We chatted for a few more minutes, flipping through the program to check the upcoming performances and to glance through the dancers' profiles. The lights dimmed slightly, and I looked up. Everyone fell silent, and the only sound was the occasional squeak of a seat as the people around me readjusted themselves to face the stage. The professor leaned forward, tucking the program under the seat, and straightened up again, his expression expectant as he looked up at the stage.

My heart pounded at the sight of his handsome profile in the fading light, but I finally had to turn my attention to the stage as well as the theater grew dark. The only light was from the orchestra pit, and I could just barely see the conductor peeking out to look at the crowd, drawing applause from the patrons. I hurried to add my clapping to the mix, not wanting to seem clueless or ungrateful.

The curtain rose, revealing the dancers and their backdrop, an impressive arrangement of scenery painted to look like an exotic old town. The music began, and everyone began to move, with several dancers taking the lead and others in the background.

After several minutes, I began to fidget in my seat. The dancers moved elegantly and with skill, even I could tell that, but the music was strange and the dance wasn't all that impressive. I'd mentioned the upcoming ballet trip to Kuya-san, and when I revealed that we'd be seeing Romeo and Juliet, he'd gone off on one of his usual lengthy monologues about the beautiful costumes, impressive dancing, and memorable music. That had gotten me really excited, and by the time the professor and I made it to the theater, I was practically fluttering with anticipation.

So what was with this weird music and boring dance? I leaned back with a short, quiet sigh.

_The professor is from a totally different world. I don't know anything about stuff like this._

I snuck a glance at him. His eyes were fixed on the stage, a relaxed smile on his lips. I knew it; he was such a calm, cool adult, somehow able to enjoy all sorts of things that I found incomprehensible. Just a few months ago, a thought like that would have made me feel out of place, inadequate, but now I was able to feel a warm sense of pride. We were different, and that was okay. Even if the ballet wasn't exciting, our time together would become another memory in the pages of my mental scrapbook.

And then there was a shift in the music that demanded my attention. On stage, two male dancers were posturing at each other, clearly having some sort of argument. The music swelled as the conflict grew more heated, and suddenly, they were fighting. Only they were fighting through their dancing, leaping higher than I'd imagined possible, executing precise spins, and gesturing sharply in a way that was somehow still elegant.

Our seats were so close that I could see their muscles flexing beneath the tightly fitted costumes, especially the movement of powerful leg muscles inside pale tights. As the strange fight went on and grew more intense, I spotted a shining halo flying from the hair of the taller dancer. I stared, wondering just how the special effect had been created, and saw it happen again as the other man imitated his move. Sweat. They were moving so fast that sweat was flying!

My fingers dug into my palm as I clasped my hands together, heart pounding. So that was what Kuya-san had been talking about! The way the dancers moved across the stage with speed and precision was amazing, reminding me of Arata-san's seemingly effortless dives. The dancers seemed to hang in the air just like Arata-san did at the height of his jumps, and though I always watched him dive from a distance, I felt sure that he shed a spray of water during his spins.

And just like when Arata-san climbed the steep steps to the top of the high dive, I could see every muscle in the dancers' legs flex with each movement. Smooth white tights clung to every curve in ways that seemed more revealing than Arata-san's tiny swimsuit. Every curve, front and back, though the front was only revealed as the men descended from their gravity-defying leaps and the costumes fluttered up in the front.

The familiar tingle of a blush rose in my cheeks. Now that I'd noticed, I couldn't help staring every time one of them soared through the air. The tights clung so close that they were like a second skin, highlighting rather than concealing what was beneath. That was great for showing off strong legs, but I couldn't keep my eyes from drifting to the distinct outlines at their crotches. There had to be _something_ beneath the tights, but whatever it was, it was also, well, tight. Arata-san's swimsuit seemed modest in comparison.

I forced myself to look away, to watch the rest of their movements, sharp but graceful arm gestures and the way they tossed their heads proudly. Sequins flashed and sweat flew as they danced across the stage, but somehow I couldn't avoid noticing their muscular legs, encased in the brilliant white tights. My sigh was tinged with jealousy.

_They've been training since they were kids, right? There's no way I'd ever get that strong._

Sometimes it was hard being a normal guy at a school full of special people, especially when about half of the students had been selected for their athletic ability. All of my athletic friends had been involved in their sport since they were really young, and years of training had made them strong and muscular. Not like me, small and skinny, who got tired out just from running track or playing soccer in regular PE class.

 _Maybe I should join an athletic club,_ I thought gloomily as I watched hard muscle flexing effortlessly on stage. Even the women looked powerful, muscles working hard as they made their graceful motions, slender arms and legs moving precisely without the slightest hint of a jiggle. There was absolutely no fat or flab up on that stage. No one was soft, like me. Somehow it didn't bother me when I went to the bath with my friends, but watching a whole company of toned, athletic strangers made me feel a little inadequate.

_Would I really have time for another club with student council and tutoring and all my other homework, though? I really don't want to give up on any of my tutoring time. And who knows if they'd let a beginner join anyway...?_

I glanced at the professor, who was still watching with keen interest, eyes narrowed slightly in concentration. Maybe he felt the same way? But I knew that the professor made time for exercise; he'd mentioned the small gym in the staff dorm, and I'd even noticed him jogging around the school island in the evening a few times. I'd offered to run together, but...

_I need this time to get my thoughts in order. Plus, I'd rather not have you see me all sweaty, Asahina._

That's what Tomo had said about running, too, now that he wasn't using it as an escape from his worries. Exercise had become a way to process his thoughts and sort them out instead of a way to leave unpleasant feelings behind. Maybe I was just too simple to get those sorts of benefits from exercise, so I never bothered to get into the habit. I never felt like I needed a lot of extra time to organize my thoughts and feelings, they just all naturally fell into place.

Ugh, wait, I wasn't supposed to be wasting time thinking about weird things! I was there to enjoy the ballet, and more importantly, to spend time with the professor! I leaned a little closer, letting my hand inch from its position on my knee across the gap between our seats, tentatively brushing the side of his thigh. His leg tensed and I was sure he would pull away, but he relaxed after a moment, and his fingertips moved to rest on the back of my hand.

It wasn't quite holding hands, but since we were sitting so close to the stage that our seats weren't in the dark, it would have to do. We stayed that way for a long time, until my wrist began to cramp and I had to draw my hand to my chest to massage it. A few seconds later, the professor shifted in his seat, adjusting his position so his shoulder was pressed gently against mine.

My blush that time had nothing to do with the fit dancers on the stage.

I sat, fascinated by the display of agility and athletic skill that unfolded before me, and warmed by the subtly affectionate touch that I shared with the professor. By the time the story reached its intermission, my heart was pounding with the excitement that I had been expecting from Kuya-san's vivid and lengthy praise of the ballet.

Before the professor could even open his mouth to ask my opinion, my words spilled out in a breathless rush. "That was really amazing! I didn't even know people could move like that!"

He let out a quiet chuckle, smiling. "I guess that means you're enjoying yourself, Asahina."

Behind me, a dry, quiet voice interjected, "I'm so glad you're having a good time, Asahina-san. It's wonderful to see someone young making the most of a special experience like this."

I turned around, and the old woman was peering at me again, and just like before, she looked around me to address the professor. "You too, ah... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"It's Sato," the professor replied without missing a beat, his immediate silence making it clear that he wasn't about to offer his full name. I sank back into my seat awkwardly, pressing my hands together in my lap. What was with this old lady? She was kinda pushy.

"Hmm, Sato-san, I see. I couldn't help overhearing as you explained the story of the ballet to Asahina-san here, it seems like you're quite familiar with theater and the like."

"I suppose you could say that."

"Well, then," the woman leaned forward, and I caught a whiff of a light, flowery perfume, "it's so hard to find a cultured young man these days. Why, just the other day, my youngest daughter was lamenting the fact that her current boyfriend has absolutely no interest in the arts." Her gaze went to the professor's left hand, which was resting lightly on my armrest. He pulled it back into his lap, but it was too late; her eyes lit up as she noticed that his hand was bare.

"That's a shame," the professor muttered with obvious disinterest.

"Would you like to see her picture? I have it right here in my phone."

"No, thank you." His tone was flat, and he didn't even glance in her direction.

"Here," the woman leaned over me like I wasn't even there, phone clutched in one hand. At close range, her perfume was overpowering. "This picture is from a cocktail party that was held to benefit the theater district just a few weeks ago. Isn't she lovely?"

"U, um," I fidgeted in my seat, but I had no idea what to say. I couldn't exactly blurt out that the professor was _my_ boyfriend and would never, ever be available to anyone else.

The professor stood suddenly, his tone cool. "Asahina, we should take advantage of the intermission to go freshen up. I could use a drink of water."

The woman leaned back, clicking her tongue in disapproval, but the professor ignored her and extended his hand to me. My heart pounded so hard that my hand trembled as I reached out to take it, allowing him to pull me to my feet.

"R, right!" My cheeks pinked, and I bit my tongue to keep an excuse from slipping out. I didn't have time to think of one anyway; the professor tugged me down the row of seats, murmuring apologies as the other patrons pulled their feet closer so we could pass.

Professor Sakaki stalked from the theater, through the lobby, and out into the courtyard at the front of the building, gripping my hand the entire time. Once we were outside, he finally let me go, and I followed him to a bench at the far corner, away from the rest of the crowd. He flopped down with a ragged sigh, motioning for me to sit as well.

"Damned meddling old women," he grumbled, reaching up to pat his pocket. "Ugh, of course not."

I didn't need to ask what he was doing; I'd seen him reflexively reach for his cigarettes plenty of times, even though he'd stopped carrying them back at the beginning of the year.

"I'm so sick of ancient vultures circling the room, beady little eyes looking for anyone under the age of forty who's not wearing a wedding ring."

The bench was cold and uncomfortable, but I tried to keep still even as the chill seeped into my backside. "U, um... does that really happen a lot?" I'd never heard the professor mention it before. "Is that some sort of rich person thing?"

"Yes, that is 'some sort of rich person thing,'" he said in a mocking tone, complete with air quotes. I pouted, and the professor sighed, folding his arms over his chest. "Sorry, Asahina, it's not your fault. But yes, it's fairly typical for women, young and old alike, to be on the hunt for potential matches at any sort of 'society' type function. Though I have to say, it's rather brazen to try and pick up a boyfriend for your daughter during intermission at the ballet."

"You could just say that you're already seeing someone," I pointed out.

"Ha, that won't deter a stubborn old bat. Might even make her try twice as hard." He rolled his eyes. "As long as you're not completely locked down, you're fair game. Worse still when your own family is encouraging such behavior, practically announcing that you're available."

"That's why you used a fake name."

His lips twisted into a vaguely guilty smile. "Well, the Sakaki name doesn't carry quite as much weight as it used to, but crones have a pretty long memory. She'd probably convince herself that the group was about to relive its glory days." He snorted. "Not likely, as long as my brother's in charge of anything more than the company picnic."

I was at a bit of a loss. I hadn't seen the professor so grumpy since the day of our argument over winter break. "Um, please don't think about things like that. We're here to have fun, right?"

His expression darkened for a moment, and I thought he was going to fire back with another cranky comment, but he stayed quiet for a few more seconds before responding. "Yeah, there's no sense dwelling on it. But we're going to have to get new seats. I refuse to sit next to that woman." The professor stood suddenly, motioning for me to follow. "Come on, Asahina, we need to move quickly if we want to be reseated before the intermission is over."

"You can do that?" I huffed, hurrying to keep pace with the professor's long strides.

"It might be a bit difficult for the average person, but being a Sakaki does have _some_ perks."

At first, the box office attendant was reluctant to offer new seats, protesting that there weren't any others available in the orchestra section, and we wouldn't be compensated in any way for accepting a downgrade. I was amazed at how quickly the man's attitude changed when the professor showed him our tickets, which were clearly marked 'Patron's Circle - Sakaki Family' in fine print at the bottom, even growing a bit flustered when the professor mentioned that his father was the ticket holder.

"I truly apologize, Sakaki-san, the orchestra section is completely full for this performance."

"I see," the professor sighed. "What about my family's box?"

After a bit of frantic typing, the man nodded. "It's completely empty. Please follow me."

We followed the man in the black suit up several flights of stairs, finally arriving at a row of cozy little sections, each with fewer than ten seats. He led us along the walkway behind the small seating areas until we reached one that was almost in the exact center of the theater. He gestured toward the seats, offering a bow as he murmured, "Please enjoy the remainder of the performance, Sakaki-san." And then he nodded to me and added, "Of course, you as well, young man."

"Thank you, we will." The lights were already dimming, so we hurried to the seats at the front and center of the box, settling in just as the theater was plunged into darkness.

"I'm glad we sat down before it got dark," I murmured. "I'd be afraid to move around in the dark when we're so high up... there's no railing at all."

The professor's hand gripped mine without any pause or hesitation, and my cheeks pinked. "Don't worry, Asahina, I would never let anything happen to you." He glanced at me with a soft smile that seemed a little bit sad. "It's too bad we had to give up our close seats."

I squeezed his hand. "I think I like this seat even more..."

~~~

Once the performance was over, it was hard to contain my excitement until we were safely locked in the professor's car, and I nearly exploded once we were buckled in. "Ahhh, that was so amazing! I never imagined that the ballet could be so moving, even without words! And the dancers were incredible, they were so strong but so graceful..."

"Yes, the dancers here are first-class, and quite nice to watch." The car glided out into the street, joining the busy flow that was headed away from the theater and toward the highway. "But it's a shame my special treat for you got ruined halfway through."

I shook my head. "I didn't mind moving at all! We got to hold hands for the whole second act!"

"But you couldn't truly appreciate the male dancers from such a distance."

"Well... it _was_ nice to sit so close," I conceded. "I could even see the sweat flying when the dancers twirled in the air! That was so impressive! And everyone had such amazing muscles, I was really surprised that even the women looked so strong. I bet they could all beat me up, haha..."

The professor glanced at me. "Hmm, were you looking at the ladies that much, Asahina? I thought the men would be more your style."

"Oh, the men were amazing too! They looked like they were hanging in the air every time they jumped, and they just looked so athletic!" My face colored a little as I remembered the way their muscles had flexed beneath the white tights. "T, they had really nice legs..."

"Yes, they did." The professor's tone was warm, almost enthusiastic. "I can't even imagine the amount of exercise it takes to form a perfectly sculpted ass like that."

I blushed. I was sure I'd never heard Professor Sakaki talk like that! "Um..."

"Don't you agree, Asahina? I noticed you were watching very closely during the first act." His smile grew wider, more like a grin. "Watching you blush and make hungry little expressions was just as much fun as checking out the eye candy."

"E, eye candy?!? I, I wasn't...!"

He laughed. "You don't have to be embarrassed, Asahina, there's nothing wrong with a little harmless fantasy. I don't mind if you check out other guys; that was the whole point of this trip." He glanced over at me again, his expression so intense that I felt my ears turn red. "I know very well that you have a very active, very healthy sex drive."

"W, w, what?!" My face was so hot it hurt. "I, I wasn't thinking about those guys like that at all! Sure, they had nice legs, and... um, butts... and those tights were really tight... I couldn't help noticing!" I knew I was babbling, but I couldn't stop myself. "I, I mean, it was all outlined pretty clearly, so when the costumes went up in the front, I peeked a little! But only a little, I swear! I wasn't interested or anything! I only like you!"

"You don't have to flatter me, Asahina, I'm not worried that you'll run off with a ballet dancer." The professor's tone was light, amused; he wasn't taking me seriously at all. "But imagine if you weren't already attached, and one of those beautifully athletic dancers invited you for some casual sex. Wouldn't you be tempted?"

"Wha? Who would do something like that?"

"Are you really that innocent, Asahina?" I swear he was pouting a little, tone a bit sullen as he muttered, "I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

"B, but! With someone you don't even know?" 

"I _did_ say it was casual sex."

"Um..." Had the professor been in relationships like that in the past? Could you even call something like that a relationship? Oh... but he'd mentioned it a long time ago, back when we first started dating, that he'd been with other people even though he didn't actually love them. Was that normal? There were rumors like that about Joker-san, that his pursuit of fun extended beyond games into dating and even sex. There had even been one time when the student council and Durak went downtown to choose party decorations, and Joker-san had disappeared for an hour with an attractive, flirty girl who had approached him.

But that was Joker-san, and Joker-san would do anything for a bit of fun. It was a lot harder to think about Professor Sakaki just... doing things with people he didn't really know.

I fidgeted in my seat, turning to stare out the window. The lights of passing cars blurred into streaks as my eyes misted over. _I promised I wasn't going to be jealous anymore. This was a nice date, a special treat, I shouldn't be getting upset over something like this. Maybe that's just the way people feel when they have more experience..._

The professor must have sensed the shift in my mood, because his tone was quiet and apologetic as he asked, "Don't you have thoughts about other guys, Asahina? I've seen you look at men. It's not wrong or unnatural for an attractive person to draw your eye."

"But it's different!" I turned my head back toward him just enough to look at him out of the corner of my eye. "Because... I think, wow, that guy looks so good, I wish I could be strong or athletic or have a nice face like that. It's just... like the dancers just now, they had beautiful form and, um, really nice bodies, but I don't _want_ them or anything. I just like to look."

"I enjoy looking too," the professor agreed.

I shook my head. My message wasn't getting through. "It's not the same. It's like... um..." I shifted around in my seat, trying to think of a good comparison. Our trip from the previous weekend popped into my head. "Oh, like going to the art museum! I look at the art and it makes me realize how amazing people can be. I appreciate the talent of the artist and stuff like that. But I don't feel a special connection to it, or want to take it home. It belongs in the museum."

"Even the nude statue of Apollo?"

"Professor!" I huffed. "I'm being serious!"

I tried to turn away before he could look at me, but I knew he had glimpsed my face and its angry, disappointed expression. I glared out the window, willing myself not to cry. There was no way I was going to let anything ruin the memory of our date. Even if the professor was being stupid.

The car slowed, and we pulled off on the side of the road. The moment the car was shifted into park, the professor's hand was on my shoulder, rubbing gently. "Asahina, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were so serious. Please look at me."

I turned toward him reluctantly, biting my lip. I didn't say anything, knowing that my voice would be wobbly if I spoke. But of course he knew that I was upset, and he reached out to brush the moisture from the corner of my eye with his thumb.

"You really don't look at anyone else that way, do you?" The puzzled expression on his face made it seem like he didn't really understand. "You only have eyes for me?"

I nodded, sniffing a bit, just enough to keep my nose from leaking. "Yeah."

"That's very unusual, you know."

"Is it?" I wiped the tear from my other eye. "I think it's normal."

He embraced me, and I pressed my cheek to the side of his neck, sighing as the warm scent of vanilla and spice enveloped me. "It's also very sweet, Asahina. I didn't appreciate that your feelings of attraction were so exclusive."

"You're really not the same, are you, professor?"

We were pressed so close, he barely had to shake his head. "I'm not. I enjoy the occasional thought about strong, attractive men. Honestly, I thought everyone did; isn't that how our species carries on, through attraction to potential mates who seem healthy?"

"Um, I guess..." I frowned; maybe I'd heard it in biology class. "But..."

"I know," he murmured, sounding a bit guilty. "I honestly thought you would enjoy that extra level of excitement tonight. For me, it's nothing more than an unconscious thought; I can't help feeling attraction. It doesn't mean that I would act on those feelings, especially when I'm in a committed relationship. And it doesn't mean I care for you any less." He pulled back a little to peer into my eyes. "You're special to me. I would never consider giving you up or hurting you to pursue a mere fantasy. You are my reality, Asahina."

I nodded, swallowing feelings of hurt and confusion. My naive expectations had caused problems for us before; I wasn't going to allow them to get in the way again. _We'll talk about things like adults. I want to be responsible like that._ I gripped the professor's hands with my own; his fingers were cold, like they always got when he was nervous about something. Was he really that worried? 

Instead, I smiled. "Maybe it's even more special... to be the only one you care about."

"You don't have to force yourself to be happy, Asahina."

"I'm not." And I really meant it; I knew the professor was different from me. Even if I couldn't understand it or didn't like it, I could accept it, because he wasn't trying to be hurtful. Instead, I felt a little more special, being trusted with more information about him, especially something that would normally remain hidden from others. "I get to understand you more every day. It's special."

He watched me for a few moments, at a loss for words.

"Um, Professor...?"

"You're a miracle, Asahina." He placed a soft peck on my lips. "Let's go home."

Home. My face warmed up as I thought about what I wanted to do when we got home. About how much fun it would be to slowly peel the professor out of his tailored suit, gently kissing every bit of newly exposed skin, breathing in the fading scent of spiced vanilla and his natural oil. About how it wouldn't matter that he didn't have the sculpted body of a first-rate dancer. He had his strong arms and his beautiful hands, familiar with all my intimate places. There was his chest and the way it pressed against my own when we embraced, and the firm, flat muscle of his butt as I grabbed at it, urging him deeper. Those were my only desires.

My eyes half-closed as I remembered.

The professor leaned close again. "Asahina. What's with that suspicious blush?"

I was usually embarrassed to be caught having sexy thoughts, but all the emotion and honesty of the evening so far made me bold. My cheeks were hot, body trembling with excitement as I leaned in to murmur, "I want to go home and have sex all night."

He drew in a quiet breath, swallowing hard before nodding a little. When he spoke, his voice was low, charged with a subtle current of emotion.

"I think I can manage that."


	2. a survey of friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuki surveys his friends about attraction, but doesn't find the answer he's seeking. A hint finally comes from an unlikely source...

**Monday, February 19, 2018**

After class, I headed over to the Durak room to deliver some club formation proposals to Sonoda-san so he could review the budgets. I knocked on the door but didn't wait for anyone to call out before entering; Sonoda-san had told me not to bother waiting if the door was unlocked. When I entered, it was just Joker-san and Sonoda-san as usual, sitting at the card table and having what sounded like a heated argument.

"How can you say he's only a five?" Joker-san demanded, leaning over the felt-covered surface of the table with a harsh expression of disapproval. "I told you, just think about Hayato's body, not the entire package!"

Sonoda-san's back was to me, but I could imagine the exasperated look on his face as he sighed. "Ugh, I can't really separate them..." He twisted in his chair and gave me a tired smile. "Oh, hi, Yuki-kun, are you dropping off the club proposals?"

"Eiji, don't change the subject!" Joker-san looked like he was ready to grab Sonoda-san by the collar and turn him back around. "I want your opinion. I'd say Hayato's a solid nine, maybe even a ten. It's absolutely wrong for him to wear a shirt in the summer."

Sonoda-san's cheeks got a little pink. "...I guess. Anyway, Yuki-kun--"

Joker-san grabbed his wrist, preventing him from getting up. "Actually, that's a good idea." His eye flicked toward me. "Ace-kun, what do you think? How would you rate Hayato?"

What on earth were they talking about? I looked from Joker-san to Sonoda-san and back again, still clutching the folder stuffed with papers to my chest. "Huh, about Chiba-san? Well, he's kind of quiet, so it's hard to get to know him..."

Sonoda-san snorted. "He's not asking about Hayato's lack of personality, Yuki-kun."

"Maybe you can follow directions better than Eiji, Ace-kun." Despite his harsh words, Joker-san had an amused smile. "Just think about his face and his body. On a sexiness scale of one to ten, where would you place Hayato?"

I blinked. Sexiness scales? That sounded like the kind of thing that was always in celebrity fan articles on gossip sites, or the stuff guys discussed in the locker room. I guess it made sense that Joker-san would amuse himself like that, but thinking about it made me feel kind of weird. "Um... Joker-san, do you really rate people like that?"

"Of course. It's just harmless fun." His smile went a little crooked. "You don't approve, Ace-kun?"

"I, I didn't say that..."

Sonoda-san raised one hand and waved it from side to side, like he was trying to brush away my worries. "It's just one of Kiyo's stupid games. He wouldn't actually sleep with Hayato or anything. That would be like abusing a puppy."

I didn't know what to say, so I just stood there, frowning. Did the professor discuss stuff like this with his friends, too? I mean, that's kind of what he'd been trying to do with me after the ballet, right? No, it wasn't that callous... and he didn't have anyone else to discuss it with, probably. He didn't let people know that he was interested in guys, even though he didn't seem to be bothered by it himself. That was kind of sad. Of course I understood the importance of hiding our relationship, but by now it felt like the rumor that I had a boyfriend had gone around the entire school. And no one was treating me any differently from usual. Or maybe I was 'too naive' again?

But I didn't have time to think about it, because Joker-san was too interested in the conversation to care that I'd gotten quiet. His eye glittered with anticipation as he gestured toward Sonoda-san. "Well, if you don't want to rate Hayato, how about Eiji? Imagine that he's lost his voice so he can't complain about anything. That makes it easier to give him a better rating, doesn't it?"

"Ugh, Kiyo, what the hell!?"

Sonoda-san and Joker-san were always teasing each other, but the atmosphere was sharper than usual. If they wanted to poke at each other, that was fine, but Sonoda-san sounded more annoyed than usual, like he was genuinely offended. My voice was heavy with disapproval as I asked, "Is this another one of your jokes, Joker-san?"

"Of course not. I like looking at people, it's fun."

"But rating them? That seems kind of mean." I glanced at Sonoda-san.

"It's not mean, it's just something interesting to pass the time. Of course I don't intend to act on all of the ratings, but it's fun to look and compare." He rested his chin on his hand, expression growing a bit distant. "There's so many beautiful people in the world, it would be a shame to miss out. Especially if all I'm doing is something as innocent as looking."

"Even if you're dating someone?

I was surprised when Sonoda-san came to his defense. "Yeah, of course. You don't stop having eyes just because you're dating."

I pulled my lower lip into my mouth. Sonoda-san was popular with girls; even if they only went out to eat because of his cooking classes, I was sure that at least some of them had ended up as proper dates. He'd probably dated a bunch of different girls, but wasn't it wrong to keep looking at other girls when you were already with someone? I could accept that Joker-san was different from other people, since all he cared about was having the most fun possible, but I'd never imagined that Sonoda-san also enjoyed that kind of game.

I suddenly remembered the professor's words from the weekend. _It's nothing more than an unconscious thought; I can't help feeling attraction._ Well, that made sense if someone attractive was right in front of you, but it sounded like Joker-san was going out of his way to check out strangers.

Joker-san raised one hand, beckoning me closer, and I reluctantly took a seat at the card table. "You look troubled, Ace-kun. Is something about this conversation bothering you?"

"Um, that's not it," I lied, nudging the folder of club paperwork. "I just, uh, wanted to drop this off..."

"Really? Then why are you blushing so cutely?"

"Ha, you don't have to play innocent. Don't pretend you haven't mentally rated people." Sonoda-san peered at me with a grin. "I've seen your eyes wandering during bathtime, Yuki-kun."

My face was red in an instant. "Whaaa!? It's not like that! I'm just... wishing I was taller, or had more muscles, or stuff like that..."

Sonoda-san laughed, which only made my face turn redder. "Haha, maybe you should eat less and work out more, then."

"Hmm," Joker-san made a vaguely bored sound, clearly not interested in the turn the conversation had taken. Instead, he got up and went to his desk, rummaging around in a pile of random stuff that was at one corner. "I'm sure I left them here... aha." He returned with a photobook in each hand, grinning with that broad smile that always meant he was up to something.

"Kiyo," Sonoda-san sighed, "I can't believe you brought stuff like that to the club room..."

Joker-san ignored him and plopped down into his seat at the card table, leaning back with his legs crossed as he held up the two photobooks, turning them so the covers faced me. My face got hotter than the sun as I took in the images: one of a famous idol wearing nothing but a skimpy neon pink bikini and a sexy smile, and the other of a shirtless visual band vocalist, his eyes closed and face upturned with an expression that was more than just vaguely suggestive.

"If it's too hard to rate someone you know, then how about one of these?" Joker-san shook the photobooks lightly. "You don't have to say which one, but let us know what you think."

"J, Joker-san! Don't ask me things like that!" I tore my eyes from the photobooks and scrambled out of my chair. "A, anyway! Please review the paperwork! I'll see you later!"

I fled the room, but not before I heard Sonoda-san sigh, "Geez, Kiyo, you really don't know when to stop, do you? This is why you don't have any friends."

On the way back to the student council room, I ran into Tomo in the hallway - almost literally, in my rush to escape Joker-san's teasing. "Oops, sorry! Oh... Tomo..." My face was still hot from having the sexy celebrity photos almost shoved in my face, but I felt it heating up even more as memories from a couple of weeks ago flooded my mind. The friendly embrace that had turned awkward, Tomo's hands wandering down from their usual place on my back. It had been an accident that he ended up touching my butt, right? He hadn't seemed to notice until I pulled away...

"H, hey, Yuki," Tomo mumbled, staring down at the ground.

He remembered it too. That's why we hadn't exchanged more than cursory greetings these past couple of weeks, not even chatting during lunch. In fact, Tomo had started opting for extra running practice during lunchtime, eating super fast before heading over to the track.

There was no way I could ask Tomo about anything serious right now. My vision clouded over as I realized it. Then when _would_ we be able to talk about important things again? I didn't want to be stuck discussing tests or the lunch options or student council business. Things were messed up between us and I didn't know how to fix them. Somehow all the work I'd done with the professor to improve our relationship seemed irrelevant here, and it was like my relationship with Tomo had been broken beyond repair.

_That's not true! It can't be true..._

"Tomo," I began awkwardly, even though I had no idea what to say next.

Tomo's cheeks were stained pink, and he looked past my face instead of at me as he mumbled, "Um, I have some work to finish so I'll see you in class, okay?"

"Oh, y, yeah... see you later."

He didn't even wait for me to finish speaking before brushing past me. I watched as he went down the hallway and disappeared around a corner, finally letting out a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. I turned away, swallowing the lump in my throat, and went back to the student council room.

~~~

**Thursday, February 22, 2018**

After school, I was running errands for the student council as usual, and one of the afternoon's jobs was to put up flyers advertising some of the upcoming school events. I could tell from the attractive arrangement of text and graphics on the page that Sonoda-san had designed them, and that proof of the cooperation between the student council and Durak put me in a good mood as I went around the school to post them. I started with the school building, working my way down from the top floor. As I pinned a flyer to the large community bulletin board outside the second year classrooms, I heard a familiar voice from behind me.

"Eh? Asahina, you doing stupid chores again?"

I turned around, a smile lighting my face. "Yagami, and Arata-san too! You two don't have club activities today?"

Yagami shrugged. "Eh, the other guys are busy studying for some sorta important test, so I thought I'd hang around with this moron for a while before going to practice by myself." He jerked his thumb toward Arata-san, earning a pout and a huffed 'that's rude' in response.

"Haha, don't be mean, Yagami. Arata-san, the swim club isn't meeting today?"

"Mm, that's not it. Arata had to stay after class a little because of a bad test grade." He sighed. "Now there's extra homework on top of the mountain we already get in biology class..."

"Heh, serves you right for not paying attention, dumbass."

Arata-san's grin was a little sharper than usual as he calmly responded, "This from the guy who got held back a year." 

Yagami's cheeks darkened. "Wha, Arata, you just try saying that again!" But Arata-san easily dodged the kick that was aimed at his shin, and I had to cover my mouth to stifle a giggle as Maro popped his head out of Arata-san's jacket to chatter his agreement. Yeah. Yagami and Arata-san were good friends.

Friends. They were my friends too, of course, and I called out in a flash of inspiration, "Oh, I know!"

They stopped their bickering and turned to me, stunned into silence. "What, Asahina? Don't yell all of a sudden!"

"But Yagami, you're in a band!"

He looked at me like I was an idiot. "Uh, yeah, you're in the band too, dumbass. When are you gonna put in some real practice hours? If you're not serious about it, we're gonna cut you out and find another vocalist."

Ugh, it was true that I hadn't been practicing with the band very much recently. "S, sorry, I've been really busy with student council stuff. But I practice in my room at night sometimes!" He didn't have to know it was just in the shower, without really thinking much about the rhythm of the song or exactly how long to hold each note...

"Ace-kun, does that mean you sing in the shower?"

"Wha?! How did you... I mean, Arata-san, please don't make assumptions!"

"Hyahaha, Arata knew it!"

"W, wait!" I had to get the conversation back on track. "That's not what I wanted to ask! Yagami, I've only done a couple of shows with you guys, but it seems like the band is pretty popular, right?"

That made Yagami puff up proudly. "Yeah, course we're popular. The other local bands are full of guys who don't know one end of a guitar from the other. I could totally destroy those posers in a shredding contest." He held up his hands in an air guitar pose and wiggled his fingers, but I knew that they weren't just random movements and that he really was going through actual notes and melodies at an amazing speed. Yeah, with those skills and bold confidence, Yagami definitely had to be popular with his fans.

"So," I pressed, "there's a lot of girls at the concerts, and there's always some who want to talk to us afterward. Um, especially you and the other guys..." I bit my lip lightly, remembering the way the girls almost seemed to go out of their way to get around me and go talk to Yagami and the others. Was I really that boring?

"Ugh, stupid girls, they don't even appreciate the music," Yagami grumbled, his blush returning. "It's so annoying, listening to them squeal about stuff they don't understand."

"Yeah, but," I looked around to make sure no one else was listening in, but the hallway was completely deserted except for us. I gathered my courage, my own face pinking a little, and continued, "Er, well, it kind of seems like you could almost take your pick of those girls, I guess? Like... not having them as real girlfriends or anything, just... you know..."

Uggggh, I couldn't say it.

Yagami's face was as red as his hair as he shouted, "S, s, shut up, dumbass! What the hell do you think you're asking all of a sudden?!"

Arata-san, who had been quiet for a while, leaned toward me. "Um... what are you getting at, Ace-kun?"

I clutched the folder stuffed with flyers to my chest, fidgeting a bit. "W, well... I don't really know how to explain it. I guess... I kind of feel like I'm not the same as everyone else?"

Arata-san's brown eyes went round for some reason, and he glanced at Yagami, who had fallen strangely silent at my words. They stared at each other for a few seconds, looking like they were feeling something like a cross between shock and panic.

"U, uh, Asahina..." For once Yagami was at a loss for words.

Arata-san jumped in. "W, well, Ace-kun, everyone is unique in their own way, right?"

"But," I poked at the floor with my toe, my words tumbling out in a jumbled, messy rush like always, "it seems like all my friends do stuff like look at hot celebrities and rate how sexy they are, or make jokes about wanting to sleep with people they don't even know, and stuff like that. And no matter how hard I try to understand those sorts of feelings, I just can't get it. Like, at first I thought everyone else was kind of weird for having such shallow feelings, or maybe even wrong for thinking that way about people they didn't actually love, but everyone says it's just harmless fun and I get the feeling they probably wouldn't actually do it. But they still like looking and talking about it." My shoulders slumped a little. "But it just doesn't make sense to me, and I'm starting to think that maybe I'm the weird one..."

I kind of ran out of steam at that point, so I just stopped talking. Yagami and Arata-san glanced at each other again, and I swear Yagami let out a quiet sigh of relief, but Arata-san was the one who spoke. "Well... Arata has heard a rumor that Ace-kun is dating someone."

My cheeks tingled, but there was no point in denying it; by now, the entire school had heard the rumor. "I, it's true..."

He nodded as if there had been no doubt. "It's only natural that you don't notice anyone else anymore now that you're dating."

I shook my head, heart sinking a bit as I realized that Arata-san didn't seem to understand the problem either. "It's not just because I'm dating now..."

Yagami shrugged. "Heh, well, there's no way a skinny dork like you was dating in middle school. So you just didn't notice cuz you hadn't dated before, I bet."

Arata-san snorted. "Reo-Reo, don't even pretend that you know what you're talking about. Maro has more dating experience than you!"

"Shut _up,_ Arata!" Yagami grabbed Arata-san, suddenly pulling him into a headlock. "I'm gonna grind your brains in!" But before he could make good on his threat, Arata-san slipped out of his grasp with the grace of a dancer, backing up to a safe distance before sticking out his tongue.

"Uh, um!" I waved my arms at them. "Don't fight, I'm serious!"

"Sorry, Ace-kun!" 

Arata-san came close again, taking care to stay about an arm's length away from Yagami, though he shot him a sharp glance. Yagami looked like he was about to come back with a snappy retort, but he just sighed and folded his arms over his chest. "Whatever, Arata. Anyway, Asahina, what's the problem? Just date the person you're dating and stop worrying about what other guys think."

"B, but... I wonder if it's really weird. Because I've never looked at someone and thought... well, like Joker-san said... that I'd want to mess around with a random person."

Yagami's face got red again. "Shut up, lots of people don't wanna be casual or whatever."

I felt like Yagami wasn't going to get it unless I explained more clearly. "But everyone keeps saying it's just an unconscious thought, like you don't try to think it but your brain does it by itself. Thinking stuff 'wow, they're so hot' or 'I want to sleep with them' or, um..."

Ugh, my face was so hot I could feel the heat radiating from my cheeks. Yagami didn't look much better as he muttered, "Don't _say_ things like that, moron."

Arata-san tilted his head. "Mmm, but I think that's normal? To have thoughts like that sometimes..."

Why couldn't I get anyone to understand what the problem was? "But that's what I'm saying, I don't have thoughts like that at all! Ever! Not before I started dating, and not after!" My hands gripped the folder in frustration, so tight that my fingers ached a little. Was I really that different from everyone else, so weird that I couldn't even explain myself properly? I'd always thought I was normal, but maybe there was something wrong with how I thought about relationships.

Yagami and Arata-san just stared at me, flustered by my outburst. I looked down at the floor, shoulders slumping a bit. It wasn't fair to yell at my friends just because I was different.

"Um, Ace-kun..." Arata-san began, but I shook my head.

"It's nothing, just forget about it!" I took off down the hall, swallowing back tears. I didn't want to treat anyone horribly because I was frustrated. But I didn't want to accept the thought that there might be something wrong with me on a fundamental level.

I wanted to go hide somewhere, but the student council room wouldn't be empty, not at this hour. Still, I slowed my pace as another idea popped into my mind.

"Kuya-san..." I murmured.

Kuya-san had already traveled all over the world and had lots of unique experiences. Plus he was always understanding and easy to talk to, and since he already knew that I had a boyfriend... oh. But Takato-san was probably there too, and if I tried to talk about relationships, he might say something about me again. My chest tightened, heart pounding at the memory of last time; it was months ago now, but I couldn't forget the way he'd looked at me or the cold words he'd spoken.

 _No,_ I reminded myself, _Takato-san apologized. Everything went back to normal after that. Even if he doesn't like it, he's not going to say anything... and Kuya-san will be there..._

I continued the mental pep talk the entire way to the student council room, promising myself that I could just leave if I hadn't calmed down by the time I got there. By the time I reached the door, I felt almost foolish for letting myself bring up the mess from a few months ago. All my overthinking this week was starting to get to me. I sighed and pushed open the door.

"I'm back!" I forced a cheery smile. _Smile and the world smiles back,_ that's what Dad always said, explaining that I had the power to make a tough situation into a good one.

" _Salut_ , Yuki!" Kuya-san offered a cheerful greeting in a language I didn't recognize. "Wow, you got back here pretty quickly! You're burning it up today!"

Takato-san's eyes were drawn to the folder clutched against my chest. "Asahina, that folder still looks rather full. Was there some sort of trouble with posting the flyers?"

I tried not to let my shoulders slump; of course the first thing Takato-san noticed was that I hadn't completed my work. "Um, there wasn't really any trouble, I just... I thought I'd take a short break, that's all. I wanted to ask Kuya-san about something, actually..."

"You came back just to ask me something?" Kuya-san's eyes were practically sparkling. "That's wonderful, Yuki! I'll help you with anything I can!" He motioned for me to come join them at the table, clearing away some papers that had been piled in front of my usual seat. I stepped forward and hesitantly sat down, keenly aware that Takato-san was watching, his calm expression somehow more oppressive than an open frown.

No, no, I wasn't going to let myself think that way! I'd come back knowing that Takato-san was going to be in the student council room too. I gave him a tentative smile before turning back to Kuya-san, who was leaning forward with an expectant grin. It was hard to meet his eyes.

"Uh, Kuya-san... actually, I'm starting to get a little worried because I feel like I'm different from other people..." I fidgeted, pressing my hands together in my lap under the table. "So I wanted to ask you your opinion about some things..."

"You can ask me anything, Yuki! Don't hesitate at all! What's bothering you?"

Kuya-san's enthusiasm made me smile a little. He was always so eager to help everyone, and sometimes I felt bad about taking advantage of his kindness, especially with something kind of embarrassing like this. But if anyone would know, it was Kuya-san!

"W, well... I was talking to some of my other friends about, er, checking people out, I guess."

"I see," Kuya-san murmured, his cheeks pinking a little.

Ugh, seeing his blush, I couldn't help blushing myself. "It seems like everyone has unconscious thoughts like that, but... I don't. I really don't! What do you think that means, Kuya-san?"

His expression grew thoughtful for a moment as he processed the information, then he nodded, practically beaming at me. "Of _course_ I have thoughts like that! They're the innocent urges of puberty! The healthy desire to sow your wild oats in the springtime of youth!" His eyes really _were_ shining as he grasped my hands. "Yuki! You don't have to worry about something like that! Even if you're dating someone, you don't have to deny the natural urges of your emotions!"

I tried to pull my hands away, but he was gripping them too tightly. "W, wait, Kuya-san, that's not what I--"

He shook his head. "No, no, Yuki, you're such a good boy and I can't stand to see you upset about something so harmless! Looking and fantasizing a little bit doesn't hurt anyone, it's just human nature to notice the attractive people around us! As long as you're not acting on those natural impulses, you have nothing to worry about! Indulge away!"

"Kuya-san, I'm telling you, I don't do that at all!"

"Yuki, it's okay, you don't need to pretend! They're just innocent thoughts, you're not cheating by noticing the lovely people around you." Kuya-san released my hands and stood up, buzzing with excitement. "Oh, what fun to indulge in those harmless fantasies, to watch passing strangers or to think about the heart-pounding times that might be spent with hot, successful celebrities!"

"Kuya-san, please listen to me!" But my desperate voice was drowned by his excited chatter, and I slumped down in my chair with a heavy sigh. That was the problem with Kuya-san; even if he got the wrong idea into his head, he would still run off with it, talking on and on with so much excitement that it was impossible to interrupt.

A quiet sigh came from my right side, followed by the sound of high-speed typing; Takato-san was exasperated too, but even worse, he was trying his best to ignore the conversation. Was he purposely hitting the keys so hard that I was sure to notice he was annoyed? That made my stomach knot up even tighter, and I wrapped my arms around myself, willing the moisture gathering at the corners of my eyes to go away.

"We should all _enjoy_ those secret feelings, those innocent fancies that make our pulses quicken and our breath grow short! Why, just the other day--"

I shook my head, muttering to myself. "Kuya-san, it really sucks when you don't listen."

My mind wandered while he babbled on, wondering what I should do next. I'd asked all of my close friends except for Tomo and Chiba-san. I couldn't talk to Tomo about something like this, and I knew that Chiba-san would just get too embarrassed to say anything. It would probably end with Joker-san ordering him to reveal his thoughts, and I didn't want to be the cause of that. And honestly, remembering how Joker-san had been talking about Chiba-san the other day, I wasn't sure I could face Chiba-san at all. 

There was Okaken too, but he loved gossip way too much and would probably end up telling other people about it. Then who? My face got warm as I realized that I could probably ask Dr. Matsuoka. I visited his office regularly to help with chores and stuff, but relationship questions? All I could remember was how embarrassing the health fair exam had been. No way.

"Asahina."

I jumped a little at Takato-san's voice. "Y, yes?"

He motioned for me to lean closer, probably so I could hear him over Kuya-san droning on in the background. I edged closer, a bit nervous, and watched as he pulled a flash drive out of his laptop and offered it to me. "I placed a few articles on this flash drive for you, including some of the information we used to create the health fair materials. There's detailed information about attraction and orientation. You may find it useful."

My fingers were slightly unsteady as I reached out to accept the small flash drive. Takato-san... he'd been listening to my protests, even if Kuya-san hadn't. Not only that, but he knew something. A soft smile came to my lips as I pressed my fingers around the small bit of plastic, and I knew with a strange certainty that my answer was there.

"Takato-san," I murmured, sniffling to hold back a sudden rush of emotion, "I... thank you..."

He smiled at me then, a warm and gentle smile that I hadn't seen in a long time. No, it wasn't the same as the friendly, indulgent expression I remembered, the one he normally directed at Kuya-san and Hattori-san when he gave up on trying to rein them in. This smile was different, somehow sad, maybe wistful, and I felt my chest tighten in response. My cheeks heated up as Takato-san patted the back of my hand, once, twice, then withdrew, that mysterious smile widening just a little.

"You're very welcome, Asahina. I hope you find what you're looking for."

"Y, yeah," I swallowed back the knot in my throat. "Me too."

"Well, then," he murmured, reaching up to adjust his glasses. "Kuya!"

Takato-san's tone was so sharp that Kuya-san froze immediately. Well, maybe it was because he was used to getting scolded by Takato-san. "Y, yes, Masatsugu...?"

"Since you have so much time to chatter on about nonsense, you should be assisting the student council president with the chores. Excuse me, Asahina." He leaned forward, drawing the folder of activity flyers toward himself. "Starting with posting these flyers."

Kuya-san made a face. "Wha!? Masatsugu, that's not fair, I've been helping you sort through the special budget proposals all afternoon! This is the first time I've goofed off all day!"

"Are you arguing with me?" Takato-san peered at Kuya-san over the top of his glasses.

Kuya-san fidgeted. "Um... n, no...?"

"Good, then it's settled. Go finish posting these flyers."

I'd never seen Kuya-san move so fast before. It would have been funny if I'd been in a better mood; instead, all I could do was watch as he complied without complaint, though he did pout a little as he picked up the heavy folder.

"Asahina." Takato-san turned toward me, and though his voice was still stern, his expression was gentle, completely empty of the irritation he'd directed at Kuya-san. He wasn't quite smiling, but it wasn't his usual calm look either. There was something different in the slight narrowing of his eyes and the barest tightening of his pressed lips.

I unconsciously straightened up in my seat, unsure what to make of the sudden change in his mood. "Y, yes, Takato-san?"

"Where have you already posted the flyers?"

"O, on the second and third floors of the school building..." My face reddened at the answer; I'd been gone from the student council room far too long to have done so little work.

Takato-san nodded. "That's fine. Kuya, you handle the rest."

Kuya-san scurried from the room, not daring to talk back. I squirmed a little in my seat. "U, um, Takato-san.... did you want me to help with the budget proposals, then?"

He smiled at me again. It was definitely a sad smile, but I couldn't understand why. "No. You've worked hard all week promoting our upcoming events. I think you deserve an afternoon off. Why don't you leave early today and take some time to read over the files on that flash drive?"

My heart raced, and I jumped out of my seat, clutching the flash drive to my chest as if I could absorb its message directly. "I will! Thank you, Takato-san!" I offered a little bow before leaving the room. Behind me, just as the door slipped shut, I heard him murmur something indistinct, but if I had to say what it was, it kind of sounded like _so it was impossible from the start, then._


	3. the final report

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuki reports his findings to Professor Sakaki, who needs a little help understanding it all.

**Saturday, February 24, 2018**

I was determined to make it through the day normally, but the second I saw Professor Sakaki walk into the classroom, my heart began to race again. It had been hard enough to make it through Friday's math class with my mind spinning the entire time, turning over the contents of the articles that Takato-san had found for me. I hadn't been ready to talk about it then, but after another night of reading and searching online for additional information, my level of excitement was at its peak. It was all I could do to sit still as the professor took roll call, and even Tomo seemed surprised by how much I was fidgeting.

"Geez, Yuki, did you eat pure sugar for breakfast or something? All that wiggling in your seat is keeping me awake."

"Tomo, you said you weren't going to sleep in class anymore."

Tomo yawned dramatically, not bothering to cover his gaping mouth. "This is homeroom, not class."

"Hehe, you're impossible." I smiled, but Tomo already had his eyes shut as he sank back down onto the desk. It stung a little, but Tomo had been acting a little weird since last week, when he'd been so upset on Nao-nii's birthday. And that weird hug.

I bit my lip. Every time I tried to bring it up and ask if he was feeling better, he made a quick excuse and went off to work or track practice. I could understand that he was really busy, especially with the end of the year coming up, but I knew he was using those things as excuses to avoid me.

Despite all that, I still felt light with excitement, the thrill of learning about myself overriding my worries about Tomo. Maybe he just needed some more time, but I... I'd been caught up in the surreal, almost magical experience of reading a description that fit me so perfectly, it felt like I'd been personally interviewed to create the article. I didn't know how I was going to make it through the entire day, even though it was only a half day of school, without exploding.

As Professor Ito stepped up to the desk to go over the general announcements for the day, freeing Professor Sakaki to go sit down and read over his plans for the day, I had an idea. I slipped my cell phone from my pocket and held it under the desk, taking care to keep the screen tilted away from Tomo as I tapped the text icon and opened up the 'boyfriend' conversation.

_Can we skip tutoring today and go right to the apartment? I have something important to tell you._

I didn't hear the buzz of the professor's cell phone, but I knew he'd felt it because he looked up suddenly, casting a suspicious glance in my direction. His brow crinkled when he read the message, and my heart sank as I realized that I hadn't chosen my words well. It must have sounded like I had some sort of complaint or problem that I wanted to work out.

I quickly composed a follow-up message.

_It's something good! I'm too excited, I might blurt it out during tutoring, so please! We can study at the apartment afterward, I just have to tell you as soon as possible!_

His look of concern softened to one of curiosity, and a brief response came back.

_Okay._

I grinned at the phone, then put it back in my pocket. Waiting until classes ended for the day would still be hard, but at least I wouldn't have to resist the temptation to blurt out my discovery in the middle of tutoring.

And thus began a long day of staring at the clock...

~~~

_that afternoon..._

I practically ran down the hallway of the apartment building, stopping short outside of the professor's apartment, and somehow managed to stuff the key into the lock despite my trembling hands. Professor Sakaki was already inside, of course; since he had a car, he wasn't at the mercy of the bus schedule, and always had time to do a little work before I showed up. But today he was just sitting on the couch with no books or papers in sight, just staring idly at his phone until I burst in. He set his phone on the table and stood right away, and by the time I'd locked the door and taken off my shoes, he was already at my side.

"Asahina, what is it?" He sounded anxious, brows drawn together slightly as he looked at me.

No, no, that wasn't what I wanted! I had to reassure him. I threw my arms around him, stretching up on my toes a little to nuzzle my face into the side of his neck. As always, he smelled so good, this time with a musky cologne that had a subtle floral undertone. If it had been any other day, I might have given in to the temptation to lick the side of his neck, but instead I pressed a soft kiss there.

"I told you, it's something good!" I reluctantly let him go, drawing back to look into his eyes. "Um... could we sit down first? It's kind of weird to talk here in the entrance..."

"Yeah, of course," he murmured, leading the way back to the couch. I curled up in my usual spot, turning the words I'd carefully chosen over in my mind. Above all, I had to be sure the professor understood that I wasn't upset about last weekend, and that my confusion had finally led me to the answer I didn't even realize I had been missing.

Once Professor Sakaki settled in, I snuggled up to him, wiggling like a demanding puppy until he finally gave in and slid one arm around my waist. "You're hopeless, Asahina." But he was finally smiling, his look of worry softened by his usual gentleness.

"Hehe, it's because I can't help wanting to be close to you..."

We sat silently for a couple of minutes while I mentally rehearsed my words one last time. Just as the professor turned toward me, about to speak, I spoke up.

"Um! So, I need to tell you something really important!" I turned my body to face him better, squaring my shoulders slightly. "You remember going to the ballet last weekend, right? Part of the fun was supposed to be enjoying how the dancers looked. I really did enjoy watching them, but for me, it was more like looking at artwork. They all had beautiful form, and their bodies were really attractive, but... I just don't think about people like that."

The professor looked a bit worried. "Yes, we discussed that over the weekend..."

"Right! So I was thinking about it all week, and I asked all my friends... they didn't seem to get it either. Everyone seemed pretty happy with checking out other people and, er, feeling attracted, or said that it's totally harmless to look at someone hot and have sexy thoughts about them." I looked down at my hands. "Honestly, it was really frustrating. No matter how much I tried to explain myself, they just thought I'd stopped being interested in other people because I'm already dating someone." I blushed lightly as I remembered Kuya-san's words. "I, I was even told that I shouldn't feel guilty about it even if I'm already with someone, because it's just a natural thought that you can't control, and all that matters is how you act on it..."

I peeked up at Professor Sakaki, and he was nodding lightly. "That's right, if everyone wasted time feeling guilty about the harmless sexual thoughts that streamed through their minds on a regular basis, nothing would ever get done in the world."

Somehow I resisted the urge to sigh in frustration. "That's what I'm saying. I _don't_ have those kinds of thoughts, not now and not before I met you, either. I thought maybe I was just a late bloomer or I hadn't found the right person or whatever, but it didn't change after we started dating. I kind of expected it to, you know? Like once I knew what sex was and how exciting it could be, maybe I'd feel attracted to other people too. But that didn't happen..."

"It's only natural to be faithful to your partner, Asahina."

My cheeks tingled at his warm tone and the praise, but I shook my head, discouraged. "No, that's not it, it's different... a, and! There's something else too! Um... this is kind of embarrassing, but... before I loved you, I didn't really, um, touch myself that often." I stared down at my clasped hands, face hot. "I couldn't really understand when other guys said they felt like they were addicted to it, that they did it every single day, sometimes more than once. And that they looked at sexy pictures, or watched videos, or just remembered a hot girl they'd seen."

Ugh, this was so embarrassing, but I had to power through it! "But, whenever I did it, I didn't really imagine anyone or anything in particular. I didn't think about someone I knew, or even someone I made up. It was kind of, maybe not _boring_ , but it was just something I did sometimes, and my body felt good, but it wasn't all that special? I never felt like I needed to do it again right away, or that it was super satisfying, or anything. It just kind of relieved some tension and wasn't a big deal. I thought it was because I don't have a very good imagination, but..."

My words trailed off into silence, and after a few seconds, the professor prompted, "But?" It was only a single word, but he sounded curious, and he was leaning closer than before.

My face was on fire as I continued, "Well... that week when I borrowed your shirt..."

I could hear the grin in his voice as he said, "Yes, you seemed to have fun with it."

"Because! It was really different that time! It's been different ever since we've been together, I don't have vague thoughts, they're all vivid memories. When I close my eyes, I can just play back what we've already done, and it's easy to pretend that my hands are your hands, and..." I bit my lip, holding back for several seconds, before making myself continue, "And now I understand what the other guys were talking about. I think about you, and I can't help getting excited all the time. If I'm not careful, I could get obsessed with it..."

I wasn't expecting the professor to chuckle quietly in response. "I'm flattered, Asahina."

"N, no, that's not what I'm trying to say!" I pouted.

The professor's fingers patted my back lightly in reassurance. "You're a rare person, Asahina, remaining so faithful even in your own mind. It's made me realize that your affection is a special gift, maybe one I don't appreciate quite enough."

He really wasn't going to get it, was he? I couldn't help feeling irritated, and I wiggled out of his arms and stood in front of the couch. "Please listen to me, Professor! I'm trying to tell you, I'm asexual!"

Professor Sakaki stared at me, stunned into silence by the strength of my sudden declaration.

Then he laughed, eyes squeezing shut as he bent forward, holding his stomach.

"Professor!" I scowled at him. "Don't laugh at me!"

It took a few seconds for the laughing fit to pass, and he looked up at me with a wry smile, shaking his head lightly. "I'm sorry, Asahina, but how on earth am I supposed to reconcile your words with your actions? Besides, you just said it yourself, you indulge in self-pleasure more often than before, and I know very well just how sexual you can be when we're together."

"W, well! I should have been more specific!" I reached into my pocket and pulled out the flash drive that Takato-san had given me, holding it out like it was a talisman that would make him understand instantly. "I'm a _type_ of asexual that's called demisexual."

The look on his face made it clear that he'd never heard of it. Neither had I, until two days ago, and even the stuff I'd read had explained that people like me were rare and had a hard time explaining themselves, especially in Japan where the orientation was virtually unknown. I had no idea how Takato-san had managed to find multiple useful articles in such a short amount of time. It had to be thanks to his incredible memory and ability to understand foreign words; there was no word in Japanese to describe people like me, so there was no choice but to use a long and awkward loan word from English.

Getting frustrated wasn't going to solve anything. Professor Sakaki wasn't going to understand until he had the chance to read and absorb the information himself. And honestly, I _wanted_ him to read it himself because I was terrible at explaining things.

"Anyway, I have lots of articles and essays here about it, and when I read them, it was really amazing, like it had all been written just about me! I want to read it together so you can understand me! Look, I'll go get your laptop!"

I marched over to the breakfast table where he normally did his after-hours work and scooped up the small computer. It was already on, so it took less than a minute to settle back down on the couch and open up the article that had been most helpful to me. "Here, read this one."

"Hmm," he murmured, leaning forward slightly to examine the words on the screen. Portions of the article quoted English text from another website, and I hadn't been able to read those parts, but the explanations surrounding them had been more than enough to relieve the anxiety in my heart. 

"Hey, Professor Sakaki?" I leaned against his shoulder.

"Hm?" His eyes were fixed on the screen.

"Can you explain the English parts to me? I couldn't read them..."

"Sure, if they're significantly different from the explanation, though I doubt that would be the case, since the whole point of this article is to explain the concept." His eyes were moving quickly over the words, slowing at some points, maybe even backing up to reread certain things. "This part here... about how the frequency of attraction isn't connected to sex drive or activity... that's..."

"It's amazing, isn't it?" A warm smile lit my face. "It's just like me!"

"No kidding, you really do have the sex drive of a teenage boy."

I pouted. "W, well, I can't help that..."

The professor continued reading, occasionally pausing to read the parts he found interesting aloud, as if trying to absorb them better. Or maybe to make himself believe them, from the surprised and questioning tone of his voice. "Absolutely never sexually attracted to strangers, celebrities, or other people they don't personally know well... not all romantic attractions will lead to sexual attraction... may have no interest in sex even in the context of a romantic relationship..." He glanced at me. "Well, I can safely say that's not the case with you, Asahina."

"Professor," I whined, "that can't be all you're getting out of this!"

He grinned, reaching out to poke my nose with his index finger. "Sorry, Asahina, but this is just so surreal to me, I feel like I need to tease you a little to feel grounded. I've honestly never imagined that there were people like this in the world."

"Me either. I'd never thought about myself before." I glanced at the screen, chest tightening with excitement as I read over the now-familiar phrases. "It was really amazing..."

The professor noticed my gaze and tapped the screen. "Oh, by the way, the English text is virtually identical, this article is an almost direct translation with some additional explanations and examples for clarity. You're not missing anything."

"Mm, that's good," I murmured, settling down to read alongside him as he finished up the article. When he was done, he turned toward me with a thoughtful expression. My stomach tingled with nervous anticipation.

"You really are incredible, Asahina. I never imagined..." The professor seemed at a loss for words, unusual for someone with such strong opinions and a ton of confidence. "Your affection... it's almost like it's pure in a way, focused on a single point, instead of diffused and unconsciously attracted to every interesting person in the environment. You really are special."

His smile was gentle and I knew his words were meant to be kind, but all I felt was frustration. "The way I feel isn't special or pure!" 

"Asahina?"

I shook my head. "Please don't praise me for something I can't decide or control. That would be like me saying that you're a good person because you're tall. I like that about you, but that's not what makes you special to me, and if you were short or whatever, it wouldn't matter. So don't... it feels kind of..." I paused, trying to find the right word, but my brain wouldn't cooperate.

"It's patronizing, isn't it?" Professor Sakaki's eyes narrowed as he considered it. "You're right, Asahina... but it's hard not to see your chaste behavior as something praiseworthy, because for the vast majority of people, it's something that requires some effort."

I was struck with a flash of inspiration. "There, that's what makes _you_ special!"

He blinked, not understanding. "Asahina?"

"Because you're not like me at all, but you still..." I lowered my eyes, smiling softly. "There's lots of attractive guys, guys with way nicer bodies and who are smart and successful and all sorts of stuff like that, but you still chose me. And you keep choosing me."

A warm hand covered my own. "I told you a long time ago, Asahina, I didn't enter into this relationship lightly. Choosing you meant choosing you for the long term."

My cheeks got hot. "U, um, anyway! What did you think of the article?" I nudged his shoulder, and he laughed softly, withdrawing his hand so he could scroll through the text again. The ghost of his warmth lingered on my skin, and I snuggled up to his shoulder again, watching the screen.

"It's hard to get my head around it," he finally admitted, closing up the laptop and setting it on the table. Once he settled back into the couch, he glanced at me, the hint of a tender smile curling his lips as our eyes met. "I can't really remember a time that I didn't feel unconscious attractions to other guys. Maybe when I was very young and unaware, but even then, I have the impression of being very attached to certain friends. I just never understood what it meant until I was older."

I nodded; it was pretty similar to what my friends had said during the week. "That's kind of like what everyone else said... it was something that just happened and they were used to it. Honestly, I was starting to panic a little, because I was so different and I couldn't get anyone to understand me. I felt like there was something wrong with me, even though I was in a 'normal' relationship and stuff... I was still an outsider." 

"Finding these articles must have been quite a relief." The professor cocked his head. "Actually, Asahina, how on earth did you find this information? Was it your luck again?"

"Mm, maybe it was." I smiled, remembering the way Takato-san had looked at me, his expression gentle and a bit sad as he handed over the flash drive. "Takato-san remembered reading something about it while doing research for the health fair. He found a bunch of articles right away."

"Well, that makes sense, he does seem to have an unusually good memory..." The professor smiled a little, but the expression seemed almost bitter. "I'm glad you have close friends that you can discuss such personal matters with, Asahina..."

I touched his arm, squeezing lightly. "Professor... you could talk to your friends too..."

He shook his head. "I'm fine, Asahina. I'm not ready for that."

"Yeah..." I murmured, not really agreeing, but wanting to be supportive. I didn't like that the professor was so isolated, mostly by his own choosing, but every time I tried to encourage him to be more open with people, he got sullen. He'd never really talked about it, but I knew it was because he'd been hurt. All I could do for now was be gentle and kind, so I grasped his free hand with my own, giving it a light squeeze.

His mood passed quickly, and the faint smile returned to his lips as he said, "Honestly, the thought of you being 'asexual' seems ridiculous to me... since I'm the only person who is the object of your desire, then from my point of view, it's not any different from being in a relationship with someone who is..."

"Normal?" I supplied after a short, awkward silence.

The professor shook his head. "Isn't the whole point that you _are_ normal, Asahina? You're a rare but natural variant, operating in the only way you can."

"Yeah... I can't make myself be different." I looked down. "Even if I could, I wouldn't want to..."

"You're really incredible, Asahina." His hand smoothed over my hair, and I got goosebumps from the ticklish sensation of it settling back into place. "I'm the lucky one."

I shook my head. "No, I've been thinking about that too... maybe it's my luck. Not the way I am, I don't think my luck has anything to do with that, but because I've never felt attracted to anyone before, and maybe I'll only feel that way about a few people in my entire life. But still, the person I fell in love with loved me too." I raised my eyes, cheeks coloring as our eyes met. "Because, someone like you, older and smart and so cool, who could have anyone you wanted, actually felt something for me too..."

Ugh, saying it directly to his face was too embarrassing even for me, and I had to look away after a moment. The professor's hands smoothed over my cheeks, cool against my flushed skin, and I let him tilt my face up, though I closed my eyes to avoid any more eye contact.

"That's the thing, Asahina. I do have exactly who I want. I have you."

"Professor... you don't have to say that..."

But I was smiling, and that smile grew wider when his shadow fell over my face as he leaned in for a kiss, lips soft and warm against my own.

~ end ~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Asexuality, demisexuality, etc, are rather complicated and do not seem to be well understood in Japan. There are multiple words used to describe asexuals, and I haven't seen mention of demisexuality in articles about Japan at all. There is a growing group of people who choose not to get involved in romantic or sexual relationships in favor of pursuing careers or just enjoying their freedom, and though they are not asexual, they can be perceived this way (and Western media seems to make this mistake quite often). So... it's complicated. :)
> 
> Also, I'm ace, not demi, so I'm doing my best here!  
> In short... did some research, but I may not be 100% accurate, please forgive me. :3
> 
> Interesting articles/blogs:  
> [Asexual Agenda blog post](https://asexualagenda.wordpress.com/2013/02/16/talking-about-asexuality-in-japanese/)  
> [Guardian article](https://www.theguardian.com/world/2013/oct/20/young-people-japan-stopped-having-sex)  
> [The Thinking Aro blog post](https://thethinkingasexual.wordpress.com/2012/12/03/clarification-of-demisexuality-and-gray-asexuality/)


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